This is the day when politicians and amateur commentators talk more doggybollox than on any other day of the year

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Neither actually. It’s a bizarre hybrid, an altered hallucinogenic universe. Where up is down and down is up. Everything always slightly out of reach.

A world otherwise known as “the day after the budget”. A day when politicians and amateur commentators are guaranteed to talk more doggybollox than on any other day of the year. A day when everyone gets their 15 minutes of shame.

As L’Atalante is re-released, we count down the best movies set largely on ships, boats, barges, yachts, steamers and trimarans. Submarines banned, as they’re under water

Stephen Sommers’ sci-fi horror pulp follows a bunch of scene-stealing character actors playing mercenaries hired to destroy the cruise ship Argonautica for insurance purposes. But a giant mutant octopus has got there first! Among the potential cephalopod fodder are Treat Williams, Kevin J O’Connor, and Famke Janssen as a jewel thief.

Arsenal rout Bayern to stake a claim as Europe’s best, Liverpool spiral again, Benfica revive under Mourinho, and Estevão dazzles on a crowded week of stars

• Bayern Munich’s unbeaten run and claim to be the best team in European football were both punctured at the Emirates. Arsenal were rampant against an opponent who have handed them so much pain in the past. The Gunners opened the scoring through their habitual set-piece goal, Jurriën Timber fulfilling the role of the absent Gabriel Magalhães. Lennart Karl, the 17-year-old, showed off his chops with a fine goal; from within Bayern have found the player they desired when they were thwarted in moving for Florian Wirtz. After that, Declan Rice and Eberechi Eze took control in midfield, Noni Madueke and Gabriel Martinelli scoring the goals, the latter a humiliation of Manuel Neuer’s sweeper-keeper stylings. Amid the fug of the extended Champions League group-stage format, where matches between elite clubs are routine rather than novelty, this was still a statement victory. “I think they had an incredible match against, in my opinion, the best team in Europe,” Mikel Arteta said of his players. That status surely now lies with his team: Arsenal top the group-stage table with a 100% record.

Now a hugely popular photographic genre, many women pay thousands to have intimate portraits taken of themselves by a professional. What do they get out of it?

A few hours into Brittany Witt’s boudoir shoot, with the mimosas kicking in and the music going strong, the photographer asked: “How do we feel about some completely nude photos?” Witt was lying on the bed in lingerie, in a studio in Texas, and hadn’t considered nudity an option. “I was like: ‘OK, we’re on this trust path.’” She undressed. The photographer, JoAnna Moore, covered Witt with body oil and squirted her with water, then asked her “to crawl across the floor with my full trust,” Witt says. “I did so. The pose was nude, and it was completely open. I wasn’t covered with a sheet. It was all out, it was all open, and it brought that worst level of self-doubt. I was terrified.”

Witt, 33, has come to see that terror as an important part of her experience. She used to be a competitive weightlifter. “I had a very masculine aura. I showed up in strength,” she says. At school and work – in the construction side of the oil and gas industry – she was “type A – scheduler, planner, had everything together, kind of led the group”. A turbulent home life when she was growing up led her to develop robust protection mechanisms which, in adulthood, acted as a block to relationships – issues she had been addressing with a life coach. But in that moment, on all-fours in Moore’s studio: “I felt those protections stripped away. There was nothing to hide behind, literally, figuratively.”

Twenty years after the first face transplant, patients are dying, data is missing, and the experimental procedure’s future hangs in the balance

In the early hours of 28 May 2005, Isabelle Dinoire woke up in a pool of blood. After fighting with her family the night before, she turned to alcohol and sleeping tablets “to forget”, she later said.

Reaching for a cigarette out of habit, she realized she couldn’t hold it between her lips. She understood something was wrong.

In the two years since the system was launched, beverage-packaging collection and recycling has risen to 94%

In the Transylvanian village of Pianu de Jos, 51-year-old Dana Chitucescu gathers a sack of empty polyethylene terephthalate (PET) bottles, aluminium cans and glass every week and takes it to her local shop.

Like millions of Romanians across cities and rural areas, Chitucescu has woven the country’s two-year-old deposit return system (DRS) into her routine.

Flagship Labour plan to be replaced with six-month threshold after Peter Kyle vows to not let businesses ‘lose’ under new law

A flagship policy that would have given workers the right to claim unfair dismissal after their first day on the job is to be ditched by the government in favour of a six month-threshold.

In a U-turn constituting a direct breach of Labour’s manifesto, the government said it had brokered a deal between six of the country’s biggest business groups and trade union leaders to shake up its plan for the biggest upgrade in employment rights for a generation.

Labour MPs welcome scrapping of two-child benefit cap but worry about hefty future tax increases on constituents

Rachel Reeves has been warned that her plans for tax rises and spending restraint in the run-up to the next general election resemble a work of “fiscal fiction”, as MPs expressed concern about the impact of her budget on their constituents.

A day after the chancellor’s statement, the Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) said Reeves had chosen a high-risk strategy by backloading the squeeze to just before voters go to the polls in 2029.

Health secretary responds to speech given by GP committee leader accusing Labour of ‘gaslighting’ behaviour

Wes Streeting has accused the British Medical Association (BMA) of being “impossible” and issuing “misleading” information in an escalation of tensions with the doctors union.

In an unusual move, the health secretary wrote on Thursday to England’s 50,000 GPs to convey his frustration with the BMA over recent changes that from last month made it easier for patients to contact them online between 8am and 6.30pm Monday to Friday.

Mia Lucas, who died in Sheffield after being sectioned, had undiagnosed condition causing ‘acute psychosis’

A 12-year-old girl who took her own life after being sectioned was failed by medical staff who did not spot her underlying brain disorder, an inquest has found.

Mia Lucas was found unresponsive in her room at the Becton Centre, which is part of Sheffield children’s hospital, on 29 January last year.

In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.org, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org