Nigel’s gang has its own ‘one in, one out’ policy, having lost two MPs since the election – now it’s all eyes on the next one to exit

Nigel Farage has always been keen on a “one in, one out” policy. At the last election, Reform won five seats. Two MPs, Rupert Lowe and James McMurdock, have since left the party over artistic differences – ie, falling out with Nige – and have gained only one in the cold-hearted Sarah Pochin. Now they are back to their full complement. Five, it turns out, is the magic number. The race is on to find, not just the next recruit, but the next to leave. It could be anyone. Get too close to the Sun God Nige and you tend to crash and burn.

For once, the email from Reform insisting that Monday’s press conference would contain an important announcement was more or less accurate. Normally all you get is a parade of new councillors or a policy that is never going to happen. But this time Reform had gone all in. A room in a luxury Mayfair hotel. And Nige talking deadly earnestly about preparing for government. A job so important, it couldn’t be entrusted to any of his current half-witted derelicts, such as Richard Tice or Lee Anderson. They were really only there as cosmetics. To make up the numbers.

As the show based on their cult TV hit goes on the road, the duo discuss haunted theatres, feeling like arthritic swans and what it was like being mobbed in Shanghai

How do you make a shopping centre in Woking spooky? I bow before Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton’s many career achievements: Perrier award-winners, makers of successive hit TV series, not to mention megastars (as I shall soon discover) in China. But can they convince us that there are old ghosts haunting the 90s-built New Victoria theatre, located in a shopping mall? Such is the challenge faced by the Inside No 9 duo as they take their hit show-of-the-series on tour. “We made it very much about the ghosts of Wyndham’s theatre,” says Shearsmith of the show’s West End run. “Now we have to change it so that every place we’re in, that’s where there’s a legend of bloody Belle, and that’s where she haunts.”

Over the tour, that may mean the 100-year-old Liverpool Empire or Edinburgh Playhouse: no problem. Or it might be the rather fresher Marlowe in Canterbury or Milton Keynes theatre, which opened in another shopping precinct in 1999. “That doesn’t lend itself to a legend,” admits Shearsmith, chatting over lunch at a London rehearsal room. “So we are amending the phraseology to make it sound older than it is. We’ll say ‘a quarter of a century’ rather than ‘25 years ago’. One sounds recent and the other sounds old.”

This week the first migrants could be flown out of Britain under the ‘one in, one out’ deportation scheme. They talk about their fears and incomprehension

“We can’t eat. We can’t sleep. We have been locked up in this place for more than a month. Some people expect to be forced on to a plane to France today. Nobody wants to go. For us, this is a disaster.”

The man speaking, Fessahaye, is an asylum seeker from Eritrea who fled indefinite military conscription in his home country, and walked through the Sahara before being tortured and enslaved in Libya. He eventually crossed the Mediterranean and reached Europe. From France he travelled to the UK in a small boat.

Created in 1997 and once a Victorian toilet, the 10 sq metre venue was at risk of demolition until the residents of Malvern, Worcestershire, stepped in

Perched on a sign above a tiny stage draped with red velvet curtains are the Latin words “Multum in parvo”. Meaning “much in little”, it has become the motto of this minuscule establishment in the Worcestershire town of Malvern.

This is the world’s smallest commercial theatre with room for 12 people – or 16 with some standing – that has been brought back to life by local residents after falling into disrepair and at risk of demolition.

The whole pantomime is meaningless. The leader makes his or her speech, the commentariat falls upon it, and to anyone half normal reality simply continues, undisturbed

Conference season has arrived for the big political parties, and every year for the past 20 years, I have attended some, though not all, of it. I always have a lot of complaints, which I used to think were all different but in fact boiled down to the same thing: this pantomime doesn’t mean anything. The leader makes his or her speech, the commentariat falls upon it, more often than not declaring it to have saved them from whatever surge of unpopularity they were engulfed in the week before, and to anyone half normal, reality simply continues, undisturbed. No, Boris Johnson promising to “level up” in 2021 did not address the cost of living crisis. Keir Starmer having a tool-maker dad with his “eye on the object” (same year) did not make him more relatable or charismatic.

There were some years that I thought maybe I was being naive, and the wiser heads were correct – might Tony Blair’s admission of fault, in the vaguest imaginable terms (“I now look my age. You feel yours,” at the Labour conference in 2003), be the decisive turning point when we all learned to stop worrying and love the Iraq war? Nope, it was not.

Starmer announced multibillion-pound link-up to build ‘mini-nukes’ likely to be signed during Trump visit

• UK and US line up string of deals to build modular nuclear reactors in Britain

Britain is on the brink of a “golden age of nuclear”, according to Keir Starmer, who has announced a multibillion-pound US-UK partnership to build a fleet of small modular reactors (SMRs), sometimes called “mini-nukes”.

The agreement, likely to be signed during Donald Trump’s state visit this week, involves speeding up safety checks to bring new reactors online faster.

Labour MPs talk openly about replacing PM, as third senior ally in two weeks departs after publication of messages

The crisis engulfing Keir Starmer has deepened on the eve of Donald Trump’s visit to the UK after the resignation of a third senior ally in two weeks raised further questions about the stability of his government.

Paul Ovenden quit as the prime minister’s director of political strategy after the publication of old messages in which Ovenden relayed lewd jokes made at a party about the Labour MP Diane Abbott.

Met ask public for help identifying those who aimed ‘kicks and punches’ at officers among other offences

Police are looking for 11 people suspected to have committed violent disorder offences after the large far-right-led march through London on Saturday, and said they had already charged eight people with offences.

The “unite the kingdom” march was led by the far-right activist known as Tommy Robinson and attracted more than 110,000 people, police said, in excess of what they or the organisers expected.

US president says deployment will be like the one in Washington DC and also adds St Louis to list of cities

• Trump to send national guard to Memphis and Chicago ‘probably next’

Secretary of state Marco Rubio will travel to Qatar on Tuesday, the Washington Post is reporting, after holding talks with Benjamin Netanyahu today in Israel.

As my colleague Julian Borger writes: “Part of [Rubio’s] mission on this two-day visit is to convey Donald Trump’s irritation at the Israeli missile strike on Doha that was aimed at Hamas leadership but killed their aides and a Qatari security officer.

Common sense dictates that drone technology should be harnessed to scan every elevated structure with a line of sight to a target.

If drones can enable the early detection and prevention of assassination attempts, why not use them? Better to have vigilant eyes in the sky than to remain blind to would-be assassins.

Care and support package, including housing, will help 30-50 young Palestinians for an initial two years

The first group of children from Gaza have arrived in the UK for specialist life-saving treatment on the NHS, the Guardian understands.

Yvette Cooper, the foreign secretary, informed the parliamentary Labour party on Monday evening about the news. On arrival in the UK, the patients and their families have been granted access to NHS treatment, appropriate housing and comprehensive support services for an initial two-year period.